I began an online relationship with someone about a month and 1/2 ago who is separated but has filed papers for an uncontested divorce which should be finalized shortly. He originally said on his profile that he was divorced, which is not true – yet. I confronted him on his “divorce” status and called him a liar.

He apologized profusely and said he never ever wanted to hurt me, but that things spiralled out of control and went too fast, which I completely agreed with him on, and that he also fell in love with me, which I feel in my heart is true. And my heart raced when he told me that, because I feel the same way, and then he said he needs to take things slow, which I fully support 100%. He has been out of the dating scene for so long (he’s in his 50’s) that he has no idea how to date, period.

You are a victim of something extremely commonplace – believing in your own fantasies

He changed his profile the next day and stated that he is really separated and that his divorce should be final very shortly. Things between us have been left as peaceful and good. The last time I heard from him was last Friday. He really doesn’t know all that much about me, (it’s only been a month and a half) I know more about him really. But I told him we need to guard our hearts, especially until his divorce is final. I honestly fell head-over-heels in love with this man, I still am. He has a beautiful heart and is truly very caring and tender. I did pull back emotionally a little when he told me the truth which was very soon after we started emailing. But then I just jumped right in with both feet and would respond to his daily sometimes 2x or more daily emails.

I have never felt this way about anyone in my entire life, and am in my early 40’s and never married, and can’t help dreaming and fantasizing about him and when we will meet. He said he wants to come and visit me where I live, which is about a 2 or 3 hour flight. I think I just need to wait and see what happens after his divorce is final. Then and only then, I think I will feel safe in telling him more about myself. Does that sound like healthy boundaries and good judgment? I can only hope so.

I really miss hearing from him. Any comments or suggestions?

Laura

Dear Laura,

You know when a parent tries to console her 12-year-old daughter whose romantic fantasies have been dashed by the jock who liked her on Monday but asked out her best friend on Tuesday? And Mom tells her daughter that this is only a temporary feeling, that the jock’s no good for her anyway, and that she WILL love again someday?

You’re the 12-year-old. I’m your Mom.

And while I’d like to joke that this will hurt me more than it hurts you, it’s clear that’s not true.

You are a victim of something extremely commonplace – believing in your own fantasies. I can’t think of anything more dangerous, which is why I’m not going to coddle you at all right now.

Believe me when I tell you that you HAVE to absorb what I’m about to share with you – and GET it, deep in your bones. Failure to do so will lead to much greater heartbreak down the road. You ready? Here goes:

You are not in love.

You are not in a relationship.

You are not exercising good judgment or setting healthy boundaries.

You sound like a teenager who is intoxicated by possibility and has projected that possibility into your own reality.

Consider these facts:

You sound like a teenager who is intoxicated by possibility and has projected that possibility into your own reality.

You have “known” this man for 6 weeks.

You have never met him in person.

He is not divorced.

He lives a plane flight away.

He is dating online.

He doesn’t know anything about you.

So when you share, with your swollen heart and dramatic prose, how your heart races and how you’ve never felt this way before and how you’re in love with this man you have NEVER MET, I have to grab you by the lapels and shake you out of your fantasy. You are infatuated. You are excited. You are not in love.

Let’s play a quick game:

Do you have any idea what percentage of first dates turn into love?

What percentage of online first dates turn into love?

What percentage of long-distance online first dates turn into love?

What percentage of long-distance online first dates with separated men who don’t know anything about you turn into love?

The odds you’re playing, accompanied by your astounding naivete about the nature of love, mean that you are leaving yourself wide open for a massive heartbreak – and all because you refuse to look at the facts above. You don’t want to see facts; all you want to see is your fantasy. As such, you’re willfully ignoring minor details like the fact that you’ve never met. And that chemistry is rarely a predictor of compatibility.

So even if you think I’m the biggest buzzkill in the entire world – even if you think I’ve rained on your parade and pooped on your carpet and ruined your prom – please take this next part seriously…

You don’t have to do anything. Your man will reveal himself in his actions.

If he calls you every night, takes down his online profile, books a flight to see you, treats you like a queen, returns back home, continues to call you every night, and immediately starts planning for his next visit, congratulations – you’ve got yourself a boyfriend.

But if he doesn’t do ALL of those things – if he calls you once a week, or keeps his profile up, or doesn’t follow up on your magical weekend in a timely fashion so you don’t know where you stand – then, guess what? You’ve poured your heart and soul into just another confused, separated, middle aged man.

Wait to render judgment until you’ve got a ring on your finger. That’s when it’s love.

Do yourself a favor, Laura – and anyone else reading this who thinks she’s got the “perfect” guy:

Wait to render judgment until you’ve got a ring on your finger. That’s when it’s love.

Until then, it’s just a projection of a fantasy. And sadly, most fantasies don’t come true.

Click here to learn the 5 Massive Mistakes You’re Making In Your Love Life – And How to Turn Them Around Instantly!

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