I spoke with my client, Jessica, the other day, for our weekly coaching session.

When we started on the 8-week Passion Course, Jessica was despondent.

Actually, she was past despondent. She was MISERABLE.

She had just come off of a first online date in which she learned that the man was a former felon (or, as she calls him: “a murderer”).

She had a man who was crazy about her and she didn’t want to get hurt. Suddenly there were REAL stakes involved.

I spent an entire session talking Jessica off the ledge, reminding her that this bad experience was no reason to quit, reassuring her that there are quality men just like her out there.

For a cute, 32-year-old professional with no small amount of ego, Jessica found this very hard to believe. Especially given her recent dating experience.

She wanted to quit.

“Sorry,” I told her. “I don’t do quitters.”

I asked her to take a leap of faith that I knew what I was talking about – that I wasn’t some sort of professional charlatan selling false hope to lonely women.

Really. I’m not!

Jessica took the leap of faith.

Three weeks later, she had a boyfriend. No kidding.

The point of this email is not to explain to you HOW she got him. (After all, if you wanted to learn, you’d have gotten Finding the One Online already.)

The point is that Jessica now had a bigger problem than dating a murderer.

She had a man who was crazy about her and she didn’t want to get hurt.

Suddenly there were REAL stakes involved.

There were feelings. There was something to lose.

I have this some version of this conversation with my coaching clients every day, and it’s always a very slight variation on the same theme.

You meet a “great guy”.

You “want to know where things are going”…

…so that you “don’t waste your time”

…on a man “who may not want to commit”

…and has the “potential to hurt you” just like your last boyfriend.

And because of all of these fears, you immediately start tensing up, looking for red flags, trying to get clarity, making sure the other shoe doesn’t drop.

Suddenly, the excitement and passion of new love is replaced by…

“How come your profile is still up?”

“I haven’t heard from you all day, is everything okay?”

“When do you see yourself having kids?”

“Do you have a good relationship with your exes? Why did you break up?”

“Let’s talk about ‘us’…”

Your pure intention is to protect yourself from getting hurt.

Just as you would run from the man who wants to marry you right away, we flee from women who want to know the future before we even know it.

But what HE sees is an interrogation about his character and your future – from a woman that he’s known for less than a month.

Very quickly, your relationship turns from fun and playful to fearful and intense.

And why?

Because you expect him to know after a few weeks that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you and that he’s never going to leave you.

Can you see how unfair that is? Can you see how unrealistic that is?

Commitment is serious, and it’s impossible for a reasonable man with any integrity or life experience to definitively tell you that he’ll love you forever.

That’s why he’s dating you – to figure out over the next few years whether you’re “the one” before he proposes. Asking – or expecting – your man to make a promise that he can’t keep is essentially asking him to do one of two things:

1) Lie to you – “Yes, I love you and will never even think of another woman!”

2) Leave – because the pressure is too great and it’s not worth his time to put up with someone who makes such unreasonable demands.

This is not to say that you shouldn’t expect a ring after 2-3 years.

In fact, you should definitely walk away if your relationship isn’t growing and escalating and providing you with the security you desire.

All I’m saying is that if you want to make it to 2-3 years, you have to allow him to fall in love with you organically.

You can’t protect yourself from ever being hurt by asking for answers too early.

Just as you would run from the man who wants to marry you right away, we flee from women who want to know the future before we even know it.

So just sit back, enjoy the ride, and realize that the right man will WANT to commit to you by his own volition.

You don’t have to DO anything to make it happen.