8784139 - profile portrait of young woman, using mobile phone in office.

I met a guy at a happy hour during the week. We had a great conversation and he gave me his card before he left. He asked me to text him that evening and said that he would text me back. I was interested and so I texted him later that evening at around 9pm. He did text back at 11pm and said “Hey Lynn!!! I had so much fun with you. You are awesome. I’ll be in your part of town tomorrow after work. I’d love to see you again.”

I responded the next morning because I was already sleeping by 11pm. I said I would like to see him but I had other plans. I asked to meet him next week after work. He said that would be great to let him know when. This was a Friday and I didn’t respond until Sunday night. I had to coordinate my weekday evening so I could give a day/time and I didn’t have that ready until Sunday. On Sunday night I told him I could meet him on Wednesday at 6:30pm. No response.

A male friend of mine said that it looks like I am playing games. That I should have met him, and I should try and contact him again and ask for another date.

I am not so sure about this for a few reasons:

    1. I think if this guy believes I am really “awesome” then he will go out with me when I am available.
    2. I don’t think this guy is that into me because he gave me his card instead of getting my number. He gave me opportunity to walk away and if you really liked someone as guy, why would you take the chance to not have her number?
    3. Last minute date that appears to be “convenient” for him because he’s in the neighborhood suggests someone who isn’t that interested in making an effort.

My question for you, Evan, is: Am I reading this situation accurately or is my friend correct? I don’t want to waste time with the wrong guys.

Lynn

As a Jewish atheist dating coach, I’m not sure I’m allowed to invoke Jesus, but what the hell:

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

It’s pretty much the only dating advice you ever need and the easiest way to answer any question.

You’re seeing a guy. You like him. You have a connection. You start texting. Things seem great. He disappears for two days while you’re waiting for a reply from him and acts like nothing’s wrong.

How do you feel, Lynn?

Probably pretty crappy. Relationships are all about communication, and, for some reason, nobody told this guy how to communicate. Instead of being silent for an entire weekend while you awaited his reply, he easily could have kept the conversation going.

“Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

He could have told you that he was checking his schedule for next week and would get back to you with an answer on Sunday. He could have then continued your conversation using various emojis and misspelled words, like most people do, so you’d communicate throughout the weekend until he got his answer. But nope: that was too much effort. You asked him for a time. He left you hanging without any response for an entire weekend.

So please, allow me to beat this semi-intentional game-playing mindset right out of you forever.

Treat people the way you want to be treated.

He calls you. Call him back. Immediately.
He texts you. Texts him back. Immediately.
He says he wants to see you. Reply to him. Immediately.

That’s what people do for people they care about – they are swift and considerate to respond. All of your points at the end of the email are just self-rationalizations.

    1. I think if this guy believes I am really “awesome” then he will go out with me when I am available.

Maybe. Maybe if he’s got no other options. Or is feeling a little needy. Or horny. Or smitten. But then again, he may just decide he wants a woman with good communication skills who is enthusiastic enough about him to reply to a short text in 72 hours.

    2. I don’t think this guy is that into me because he gave me his card instead of getting my number. He gave me opportunity to walk away and if you really liked someone as guy, why would you take the chance to not have her number?

Maybe. It’s more likely that he’s clueless and not particularly good at dating. Thus, giving you his card is more of an act of being feminine and wanting to put you in the driver’s seat, as opposed to a sign of disinterest. “If she’s interested, she’ll call me,” say beta males everywhere.

You not only have the appearance of playing games, but you think that other people are playing games, even when they’re not.

    3. Last minute date that appears to be “convenient” for him because he’s in the neighborhood suggests someone who isn’t that interested in making an effort.

Huh? He was in your neighborhood. He wanted to see if you could get together spontaneously. This isn’t a man who doesn’t want to make an effort. It is, on the other hand, a woman who is so knee-deep in some “Rules” bullshit that she can’t tell the difference between a nice guy and a game player.

Your guy friend is right. You not only have the appearance of playing games, but you think that other people are playing games, even when they’re not.

You’ve probably blown this one by now, but the next time a guy is enthusiastic about you, try being enthusiastic about him, too. It works wonders.