I’m a 24-year-old woman living in Las Vegas who has no trouble finding and keeping guys… some of which happen to be good guys! Like my boyfriend. (I attribute that skill set to you and other dating coaches who helped me get into the dating world of adults in a healthy way.)
My boyfriend is a hard worker, great blue eyes, gentlemanly, fun man who I’ve known for about a year and have been dating for 2 months. I love being around him and being intimate with him…except for one thing: I’m “stronger” than he is. And I don’t mean this in some kind of man-bashing way. I’m not a man hater, I LOVE men. I prefer being the submissive partner and am sooo excited when I’m with a man I can relax and be my complete feminine self with. So when I say “stronger,” I suppose what I’m really saying is I feel like I have to be more in my masculine around him and it’s turning me off. Big time. He looks to me for strength, he looks to me for self-control, and he looks to me to “keep him in check”. I don’t want that. I don’t want to mommy him and I don’t want to feel like I need to monitor him. It kills all attraction for me!
I’ve told him this and his only response is, “that’s what I need in a woman.” He’s already said he loves me and has proposed. Which should excite me but his rush turned me off even more!!!
Am I crazy for wanting to break up with a good hard working man who treats me wonderfully for these reasons? He’s flipping a switch in me I can’t even flip back on my own when I try to…
You’re not crazy, Rain. In fact, you sound like you’re seeing things completely clearly.
I know I’ve written about this before. And that sometimes I need to repeat myself in case the message wasn’t clear the first time around. But some people just can’t be bothered to click on links, which is why I’m going to give you largely the same message as I gave to the other women who were dissatisfied with seemingly great guys.
Through no fault of your own, you’re not feeling it for this guy. Period.
It doesn’t matter if he’s cute, kind, fun, and hardworking if YOU’RE not attracted to him. Sure, there are women who would kill to find a guy like your boyfriend, and, you know what? They should get a chance at him. Because, through no fault of your own, you’re not feeling it for this guy. Period.
Doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Doesn’t mean you’re too picky. Doesn’t mean you’re heartless for breaking up with this young man. If anything, you saw into your future and you didn’t like what you saw: a 50-year-relationship with a man who conducts himself like a child.
Is it possible that he’ll grow up? Sure. Is it probable? Maybe. Do you want to take your chances and wait? I wouldn’t think so. One of my core coaching principles is that you should never have a relationship dependent on someone changing on your behalf.
If you don’t trust a guy, don’t marry him and think it’ll get better.
If you have no fun with a guy, don’t marry him and complain that your marriage is boring.
If you are not attracted to a guy, don’t force yourself because he’s nice and you don’t want to hurt him.
He deserves a woman who is attracted to him – AND is willing to put up with being in the Mommy role.
Let him down gently and when you get back out there, maybe raise your age range by a few years to start dating men instead of boys.
It’s only been two months and he’s proposed to you. This is not a man who is ready to make smart, long-term decisions – for himself or for you. Let him down gently and when you get back out there, maybe raise your age range by a few years to start dating men instead of boys.
A young woman with a good head on her shoulders like you will have no shortage of options – and will be able to sift through lots of guys until you find a suitable masculine complement.
Finally, if any of you ladies are looking for a cute, kind, hardworking 24-year-old to take care of – hey, sometimes, it’s easier to make all the decisions! – I predict one is going to be on the market really soon.